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I wake from a nap really hungry so I decide to make some Trader Joe's Veggie Samosas. My mouth starts to water as I preheat the oven thinking " Wow, I don't think I've ever used this thing before..."

I decide to ice my foot  while the oven is warming up.

JUST as I get the icepack in the perfect spot, prop my foot upon some pillows and relax the mother fucking smoke alarm goes off!!! Fucking SHRIEKING!!! I am jolted up, my lacerm ears bleeding and hop into the kitchen for a chair to get up and smash the thing but:  I have a broken foot! I can't stand on the chair...  The noise stops right after every mother fucking dog in the neighborhood starts barking (one of my personal favorites).

Think it's over right? Time to relax? NO!! The fucker goes off again!! So I beat the shit out of it with my crutch and yes, it was very satisfying!

I'm not even awake for five minutes yet!
How am I going to survive weeks of this?

More comedy to come. You can rely on that!